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Thursday, May 22, 2014

rhythm.

I think I use this blog more for internal processing (which for us extroverts is posting all thoughts publicly), rather than for life updates and important opinions on topics that end up on Facebook. Maybe soon I'll post my own "30 things to do before you're 30"... who's to say.

All that aside... things have been a little crazy lately.  Not in a 'we have five kids, four jobs, and I'm running for public office" kind of crazy... but a "where have the last four months gone" kind of crazy.  I think I blinked on New Years Eve and when I opened my eyes, it was the last week of the semester and the weather had gone from -6 & itchy to 98 & muggy.  That's how I feel.  Like I blinked and it was over... but somehow I was REALLY exhausted by the blink.

In the midst of chaos, though, my husband has been a saint. His patience and grace go beyond description and even in the depths of my ugliness, he still chooses to pursue me and lead us towards peace, confidence, and grace.

We were spending time with some of our closest friends the other night (ate spaghetti on our porch, crammed around a little table as the dinosaur beetles swarmed around us... it was magical. really) and Andrew put to words an emotion I hadn't been able to grasp.  He said "We've just been out of rhythm."

I think in that moment, it hit me that I have been out of rhythm... My soul has been out of rhythm and that out-of-rhythm-ness is almost suffocating.  That out-of-rhythm starts when I cut out a moment of margin, grows when I don't take time to be QUIET and trust, and flourishes when I let Satan convince me that fear, doubt, and emptiness will defeat me. 

The next morning, after a good little cry, I did feel better... and when I got to work this is what was waiting for me:

"I, the Creator of the Universe, am with you and for you. What more could you need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level.  I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything.

It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!"

Uhhhh okay okay geez!!!

I want to be deeply connected with God. To know him and to be known BY Him.  I want to live in a rhythm where the out-of-rhythm-ness is followed by a deep connection with God and an overwhelming awareness of His presence.  And you know what? Sometimes processing that on the internet makes it real... makes it a goal rather than an afterthought and kinda kick-starts the out-of-rhythm-ness to get back on track. 

Happy Thursday :) (Sorry I went all deep on you there for a bit.)